A reflection on a summer of engagements and the importance of asking why
In the summer of 2021, a lot of our friends and acquaintances got engaged (15 to be precise). This flurry of post-lockdown declarations of love marked our entrance into a stage of ‘adulting’ that I wasn’t quite prepared for. Before the summer of engagements I had given little thought to the idea of marriage. It was just a thing that grown-up people did and something I assumed I would also do one day. But as my engaged friends have begun to plan their weddings I have been surprised by how passionate it has made me feel about the power of these events to start important conversations about equality.
I have been taken aback by how traditional even my most progressive female friends want their ‘big day’ to be. From the groom-to-be asking the father of the bride’s permission and said father of the bride walking her down the aisle, to the white dress, and the acceptance that the bride would take her husband’s second name, to my eyes these 21st century weddings seemed better suited to the 1920s.
When I ask friends about why they chose to structure their weddings around this familiar formula the answer was always the same: tradition. In fact, nobody I’ve spoken to had a more meaningful answer (which was kind of disappointing given the plethora of backward and disturbing practices ‘tradition’ has excused).
Maybe this is a trivial thing to get hung up on, something that doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things but I’m not sure. Symbols continue to hold huge weight in our society. Let’s not forget that ‘traditional’ weddings perform the process where by a ‘virginal’, ‘pure’ women, owned by her father, is walked to an alter and ‘given’ to her husband. Her second name would also travel along this line of ownership- changing from her father’s to her new husband’s so everyone knew to whom she belonged. From then on, her worth in and to society would increase, marked by three letters: Mrs.
Yes, I know legally this isn’t exactly what happens now but people actively choose to perform this process, again, and again, and again. 90% of British women still take their husband’s name, over 80% of brides continue to wear white and 70% (70%!) of proposers ask for parental permission to marry their partner.
I once discussed the issue of weddings with a friend who told me that a true feminist would support women to make their own choices. On an individual basis this is absolutely true: if someone is aware of all the patriarchal and problematic symbols traditionally performed at weddings and chooses to embrace them that is absolutely a choice that should be respected. However, as individuals and as a community of feminists we have the power to move the conversation forward. There is strength in starting a conversation by simply asking: why?
It’s also important to note that there’s a lot of scope for the process of wedding planning to get away from you and for many brides and grooms-to-be weddings can turn into a big, expensive way to make your families happy. There are plenty of accounts from newlyweds that didn’t enjoy their big day, dogged by the fear of straying a centimetre from perfection, worried about being judged and whether everyone was having a good time.
It’s safe to say that there is still a long way to go in the fight for equality. Even in one of the richest nations on the planet many women still have to contend with the constant threat of violence, the unequal burden of domestic work, the gender pay gap, pervasive sexism, a lack of representation…. the list goes on. Sometimes that fight for equality can feel overwhelming and it’s very easy to lose hope. It may seem small in the grand scheme of things but thinking carefully about the way that we marry the people we love is one thing we can tangibly do as individuals to create change, to challenge patriarchal traditions, to be role models and, most importantly, to start a conversation.
Notes
This article was written from the perspective of a white, heterosexual woman living in the global north. While the words in this article are a critical reflection on traditional weddings, the author wants to ensure readers that this critical lens is not meant to detract from the meaningfulness of all weddings, regardless of their format. This article has been written to start a conversation and we would welcome other views and experiences of the role of weddings in society.
Resources
There is LOTS of advice and information out there about feminist weddings but here are few articles to get started: